Our Baby in Heaven

***This blog is very personal and emotional.  I needed to write it for myself to have closure and healing.  If you do not want to know any details of my loss please don't read***

Nate and I found out a couple days before Christmas that we were expecting our third child!  We were overcome with Joy!  We had been discussing another baby and here it was!  We waited until Christmas to tell our family.  Everyone was so excited!  Madi was so ecstatic!  It was a great and happy time! 
New Years did not start off too great.  We all ended up getting sick on New Years Day and it drug on for several days.  After that we thought... ok we are over that...now our New Year can begin!

We were so excited about this new addition to our family.  We already started to make plans for sleeping arrangements and baby nursery ideas!

My morning sickness had set in and I was feeling pretty good.  Everything seemed fine.  That all took a very drastic turn while we were entering into my 6th week of my pregnancy all was well.  I started spotting when I got home from work.  I was worried but I brushed it off and called the doctor the next day.  We went in for an ultrasound.  There was a baby there but no heartbeat yet, it was still a little early and the baby was measuring small (which I didn't think too much into because both of the girls always measured a little small).  The doctor said I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage, which is a bleed in my uterus.  She said that everything could turn out just fine but there was a chance I could loose my baby.  She requested to see me back in a week. 

That was what I thought the longest week of my entire life.  I took several days off from work and just laid on the couch.  The spotting would come and go...all I could do was pray.  I tried to stay positive but I could feel myself slipping into a depression.  Which scared me to death! 

When my next appointment came, I was scared but just kept praying.  There was a baby there and there was a heartbeat!  Yay!  The heart rate was a little slow, but they assured me that was ok because the heart had probably just started to beat.  So I was relieved, ecstatic, thankful!  At that point my spotting had almost stopped so I thought we were in the clear.


The doctor called me the next day...which I thought was weird.  Once I got a hold of her she let me know that they wanted to repeat my ultrasound just to recheck the heart rate.  She assured me it was ok, just a precaution.  Towards the end of the week my spotting was getting worse again, accompanied with cramps.  Which they told me this could happen because of the hemorrhage in my uterus.  I just prayed my heart out...but I could feel myself slipping into a dark place.  I refused to eat or drink much at all, I just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing...

Madi was worried.  She knew Mommy was very sad and that her baby "brother" was sick.  It was heartbreaking seeing a three year old worry so much about her Mommy.  It should be the other way around.  I could hear her at night praying with her Daddy for her "baby brother, praying that he would get better in Mommy's tummy..."

My next doctors visit, again I was scared but hopeful.  I tried to stay positive.  The ultrasound technician was very quiet, she was taking measurements and typing.  I asked her if there was a heartbeat and she replied a quiet "No Dear, I am sorry..."  My heart sank to the floor and I just started to shake and cry.  The doctor came in quickly and discussed the ultrasound and the fact that my baby had died...not something you want to ever hear!  The doctor also discussed options, very standard, you could tell he does this a lot.  I just wanted to leave.

On the way home Nate and I talked and cried.  And I got very angry.  I didn't know who I was angry at, I did not want to be angry with God.  But I was, this was a very scary feeling inside my heart.  By the time I got home, I had gone through everything in my head...Why?  What happened?  What did I do?  Why did God take MY baby?  Oh my...I was lost.  I had cried until my tears could not flow anymore.  I was empty...

The doctor prescribed medications to induce labor so I could pass the baby.  This was the most painful thing I have ever gone through.  Emotionally and Physically.  After several hours in was over.  I actually felt a relief a calming to my emotions and body.  My mom kept the girls for me, I did not want them to see me in such a fragile state.  I am thankful they were not here.

Thank You God for that.  I could not be angry anymore, there was nothing more I could do.  I did my part, this baby did have meaning I just had to pray to find it.  That night when I laid in bed praying, I knew it would all be okay.  I have a wonderful husband and two beautifully sweet girls that I love more than anything.  I actually slept all night, which is the first night in weeks! 

I am very thankful for Nate.  He was wonderful through all of this.  He is hurting right along with me.  We lost a child.  A little person that we created together out of our love.  It is devastating.  He just held me and let me cry.  I love this man even more for this!

Telling Madisen was the hardest thing we have ever had to do as parents.  Trying to explain to a toddler that the baby she was so excited about was not going to come.  We explained to her that the baby is in Heaven with Jesus and we will meet him someday.  She was very sad, but like any other three year old she shook it off and started to play again.  She came to me a little later and said I will miss my "baby brother."  Heartbreaking.  Nate's Mom & Dad came over to visit with us and give us comfort.  Our pastor and his wife also came over to visit and pray with us.  It was very therapeutic to talk it out with someone.  It was also great for Madi to be there and just listen to the conversation, she can get what she wants from it.  She also prayed along with us, it was very sweet to have my little girl by my side. 

I am heartbroken.  It is a terrible feeling to know that one day I was pregnant and the next day my world was turned upside down.  There is a reason for this.  I just do not know what.  I am broken, but time will heal.  I must stay firm with God that everything is okay.  And that my baby is in heaven and he is carefree and perfect.  He is in great hands!  Heaven is a wonderful place filled with family and friends.  I find comfort in that and I know I will meet my little guy one day...

I am very thankful for my closest friends and family for helping me get through this.  You know who you are.